Girl Spins Madly On

And she's back!

2011-08-24T04:09:00.000-07:00

hey everybody! guess what, i'm back!!!

Sorry for the long delay, I was away for a month right after that crazy end to school and I just was exhausted and needed a little bit of a break. But now I'm back for good and couldn't be happier about it.

So, what exactly have I been up to these past couple of months? Ill give you a peak...

Well, i was lucky enough to spend July in Florence consuming LOTS of pizza, pasta and gelato, and also seeing some beautiful places.

And since then I've been relaxing at home, getting caught up on some work, and missing the blogosphere.
Yesterday, I had a pretty bad day. I had a rocky session with my dietitian. First, she told me the wrong time so i was there an HOUR early and had to wait. Then, we got into talking about some pretty intense stuff about self-esteem and relationships and it just got too much for me. I, of course, being the people pleaser that I am, didn't say anything and just sat there like a wuss wishing that we were talking about something easy instead. After, it was my mom's birthday dinner during which I was a total mess...
But today's a new day and I'm blogging again so I'm looking forward to a new start to this year.
Hope everyone is well! Drop me a comment and let me know what you've been up to!
I've missed you all! Love,
Rose

Marathons

2011-05-31T10:46:00.000-07:00

i saw the title of a post (or article, or some kind of written-internet-thingy) today that sparked my thinking about what it means to have a "perfect food day".
This kind of lingo is pretty typical in the eating disorder world.
Back when I used to talk to girls who were actively sick, we would discuss what we ate that day, and idealize what our "perfect food day" would be like.
For one girl, it would be eating X amount of calories, exactly. For another, it meant only eating at 12 pm and 5pm. For me, it meant eating nothing, but that wasn't even enough.
Eating disorders set up this kind of "receding horizon" (as I like to call it) in our minds. People with eating disorders are constantly striving towards some kind of unattainable goal, a target that keeps moving. It's like chasing a shadow.
We all know the story : girl loses five pounds and decides she wants to lose five more. She loses five more and decides she wants to lose ten more, and so on.
I would cut down my calories constantly, even down to the point where NO FOOD wasn't okay, and then where was I left? Chasing a freaking non-existent shadow.
I think this phenomenon doesn't only apply to eating disorders, though.
Think of a marathon runner. He or she didn't start out as a marathon runner, right? It's like someone who starts running, and then decides they like it. So they start running, say, five miles a week. And then maybe five miles 3 times a week. And then maybe 5 times a day. Then they do a 5k, and then a 10k, and then a marathon. And then more marathons. And, you get the point.
The problem, I think, is that in our society we all buy into this mindset of "more, more, more". The "American Dream", so to speak, is ruining us. It's this idea that nothing is ever okay just as it is that is causing us to be so dissatisfied with ourselves and our lives, even though our actual bodies and lives are really probably fine as is and would be okay if we just accepted them as they are right now.

I wanted to leave you with this song by Christina Perri today.
I'm not gonna analyze it for you, I think you all can figure out what I think it means...

Writer's block

2011-05-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

I have writer's block.
And I'm not talking about "blogging block". That's an issue for a different day.
I'm talking about actual writers block.
Writer's block that matters. As in rose doesn't write, rose in trouble kinda stuff.

It's about a research paper.
Now before you all go and close the page just from initial gut reaction that we all get when the words "research" and "paper" are used in the same sentence, let me first tell you what it's about (or what it will be about)

kinda interesting...right?

Well yeah. Its super interesting. And I'm thrilled that I get to write a paper about this and not about, say, the French Revolution or something (sorry to all you European history buffs out there)

The problem with this paper is that there is so much stuff.
So much stuff to write about to cover to remember, that it all gets overwhelming. I hate that feeling.
It's actually quite similar to the feeling i get when I put off blogging for a while. All of a sudden there's this pit in my stomach that tells me that there is too much I'm losing track of, too many pictures backed up on my camera, and too many stories and ideas with their origins long past.

If you get a chance, I think you all should read The Beauty Myth. (or maybe you could just read my paper, it'll be much shorter)
Although it's a little (read: very) redundant at times, it's a good feminist analysis of our society and the reasons why and ways in which images of beauty are used to subordinate women in a culture that is so accustomed to male-dominance in every sphere.
Anywho, that was just a little update, I'll probably post more later this week or this weekend because i plan on fitting some baking into my procrastination schedule ;)
Rose

figuring out what's important

2011-05-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Sorry for the prolonged absence. I'm not even going to go into it, i'm a second semester junior and it's just craaaaaaaaazy! (I also haven't been using my camera very much, which is what usually inspires my posts in the first place) so theere you have it. let's begin.

I'm coming to realize that life really is all about what you value. Leading a good life means making decisions that prioritize what your values are, and following through with things that will help you achieve your most important goals.
This applies to so many things.
Last week, I was having a bit of a dilemma (and still kind of am) about what math class I should take next year: Calculus or Statistics. Both are AP classes, but Calculus is often viewed (by college admissions officers) as more rigorous and thus, more "commendable".

this is basically how I always want to answer math questions...

Let's get this straight for a second: I am NOT good at math. In fact, I am more than not good at math, my brain and math basically just don't mix. period.
So, lucky me, when I find myself in a dilemma where my First Choice College is one of the few selective colleges that "prefers" applicants who have taken Calculus, rather than Statistics.
What's a girl to do?
After lots of talking and thinking and talking some more about this issue, I realized it's really about what I value in life. Do I value this college so highly that I am willing to take a risk in taking Calculus, even if that might mean that I struggle consistently all year? Or, do I forget about what First Choice U wants and take Statistics, hoping that perhaps, a less "mathy" math will jive with my brain cells?
It's not an easy decision, but it's one that I am capable of thinking about rationally and making thoughtfully.
When it comes down to it, it is also a decision about how hard I want to push myself.
When I reflect on past times when I have pushed myself before, I know that it has backfired, that i have resented it. Example? Bulimia.
push myself not to eat and to exercise and to deny myself of all things good until, finally, my inner-self rebels and all hell breaks loose and I am left back where I started, except a little more flattened out and a lot less okay.
Every day those of us in recovery have to make a decision: what is more important to us: being "thin" and "perfect" or being happy and alive? Recently, I've been choosing the latter, and that works out a little bit better.
So what will it be: Calc or Stat?
To be perfectly honest, when I sat down to write this post ten minutes ago, I was pretty sure I was going to "suck it up" and take Calc. Now I'm not so sure.
See, this is why I need you guys! You help me make the right decisions.
Oh, and now I remember why I love blogging.

What is a decision that you have had to make recently that really brought your values into light? How did you choose?

Happy Monday! (kinda?)

xo, Rose

numbers are just...well, numbers.

2011-04-07T18:01:00.000-07:00

i think the above statement is pretty obvious.
(it also reminds me of when my SAT tutor was trying to explain some probability problem to me and she ended up just saying "well, cause one...itself, it's one" :)
but it's also one of my mantra these days. probably one of the most important things for me to remember at this point in my life.

why, then, if this is such a simple statement, is it so hard to remember???
why is it so difficult for me to see a number below, say, a 90 on an essay, and to just be O.K.?
why, is it so difficult for me to see a number one the scale slightly higher than it was a few weeks ago and just, be O.K. with that, too? (what about numbers of blog posts per month?! <---- i kid, i kid. kinda.)

what's the deal here?

perhaps this study on set-shifting difficulties in people with eating disorders can help explain this a little bit?
{if you don't want to read it....
Conclusion. Problems in set shifting as measured by a variety of neuropsychological tasks are
present in people with eating disorders }

this issue with set-shifting makes a lot of sense.
numbers get stuck in our heads very easily, no?

This does not however, explain this NUMBER IRRATIONALITY quite enough.
if you google "brain and numbers" or "brain numbers attachement" or "brain numbers dysfunction" or any combination of random terms having to do with this, there is very little satisfactory material that comes up.
how extremely frustrating when google doesn't have all the answers. Right folks? (i mean what year is this, anyway?)

i certainly do not have all the answers. neither does Google, apparently. (thats news to me!)
but this was just a little remind for all you out there to not keep the focus on numbers so much. Really guys, go crazy, f*** the numbers!
Life live on the edge for once.... lets switch our focus (as hard as that may be for those of us with set-shifting difficulties ;) ) to other things in our lives, like friends, sunshiny springs and... chocolate. (who knew i was going to say that last one?) but really, do we have a deal?
deal.

or as the italian say, Kapeesh.

acceptance vs rejection

2011-03-20T21:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Rose,
Thank you for your interest in the peer leadership program!
While you were not selected, blahblahblahblah nothing else is important.

Being rejected hurts. Its also a little bit confounding.
What did i do wrong? What's wrong with me? Aren't I mature, responsible, happy enough?
Did i sound like an idiot in my interview? Did I come across as conceited? What should I have done/said/prayed for that I didn't?
With it comes a myriad of questions.
The truth of it is, however, that there really is no rhyme or reason to most things. Either we get in or we don't. We miss the bus or we don't. We're late or early, happy or sad, surrounded by a crowd or alone in our bedrooms.
All of life that is left to chance can be kind of unnerving.
Perhaps that is why some of us attempt to control life with booklets of numbers, meaningless numbers, and arbitrary judgements of the people who we are, or who we see ourselves to be.
In reality, most of life is a crapshoot. That's kind of hard to grasp.

I was prepared this weekend, folks.
I had prepared myself for a weekend of quasi-solitude, alone in my bedroom reading The Feminine Mystique and thinking about music and pictures and sunlight.
But then, something funny happened.
I got invited to a party. Just like that.
And I went.
And then yesterday, it happend again.
But this time I had two friends who wanted to hang out with me. I had to schedule them both in.
The same thing happened again today.

I hadn't been wallowing in any kind of self pity about my upcoming solitary weekend. In fact, I hadn't really given much thought to it at all. And then, poof. It seems as soon as I accepted my reality, my reality changed on me. Just like that.
Let's not take everything so seriously.

(Source: This is Water)

Rose

A Dance (Post) of Craziness

2011-03-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

Dance, when you're broken open.

Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.

Dance in the middle of the fighting.

Dance in your blood.

Dance, when you're perfectly free.

Jalāl ad-Dīn Muḥammad Rūmi

Last night i had another one of those sucky Saturdays where my friends forget about me and I'm all alone at home.

i (luckily) had one of my creative "sparks" so to speak...

here's what happened.

I saw a picture of something cool. I decided to copy it.

A+ for creativity, am i right?

k but really...

decided to put some of my old Teen Vogues to use (basically i wanted to trash the bitchez)...

I mean, TeenVogue kinda sucks.

I'm pretty sure the Editors were like:

Editor #1: Hey, do you wanna make a magazine that'll make young girls feel terrible about themsevles?!

Editor #2: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea! Oh, i know, we'll make them feel bad not only about the fact that they're not anorexic like all of our models, but lets make them feel bad about how they can't afford any of the clothes in our Magazine, too!

Editor #1: Great idea! Now...do you have any thoughts on teenage drinking? I think that'd be an original first article...

You get my point, right?

Yeah so i decided to massacre those babies and heres what resulted

Pretty sweet right?

It's from this poem by Swami Kripalu:

My beloved child, break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love, which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come. Your time. To live. To celebrate,
and to see the goodness that you are…
Do not fight the dark. Just turn on the light.
Let go, and breathe into the goodness that you are.

I know, I know, i'm just all full of the good quotations and funny lines today. ;)

Then, today, still on a "creative" roll, (ha!), i decided to bake cinnamon buns.

{Recipe from The Pioneer Woman and How Sweet It Is}

OMG.

Honestly though... WTF was I thinking?! They're pretty freaking labor-intensive for a lazy girl like me! But, um, it's pretty cool how something as lame as that big ol' hunk o' dough up there can turn into these...

and then these

You know when bloggers are all like "AND THEN I ATE SIX OF THEM" even though you know they're really lying and just trying to make you feel good about yourself in comparison to their non-existent piggishness?

Well, um, and then I ate three of them and that ain't no hyperbole ladies and gents.

None at all.

I now know the definition of a sugar coma. Or maybe its just the reason why this post is so damn odd.

All i can say is, who cares? There are cinnamon buns in my kitchen and pretty words on my wall!

sweet!

Peace out

Rose

where i have been

2011-03-02T16:11:00.000-08:00

{a little post to let you know where the h*** i have been }

i've been watching the ice melt under my feet.

(literally.)

i've been eating cookies

(and cupcakes)

i've been enjoying the little eccentricities of the city

i've been happy that spring has arrived

i've been indulging my shopping urges

check out those glasses!

most of all though, i've been working. a lot.

i've almost gotten so bogged down in the hum-drum no-stop pace of it all that i've forgotten where i've been, why i'm here, where i came from.

sometimes i find myself getting so wrapped up in all of this stuff.

Top 10 Colleges and SAT scores and History papers and test dates,

and all of a sudden it becomes

really easy to just forget who that girl is who is sitting and

holding the pencil (with her left hand, by the way- but more on that later) because i become

so focused on the outcome or the product or the grade.

sometimes its good to get a reminder of who i am. why i'm doing all of this, rather than just going on autopilot with the hope that i can get it all done (w/ flying colors)

and hope that the rest of my life will wait.

well, it wont.

i need to be a person. not just pieces of a person.

not just a test grade, or a vocabulary word.

a person. a whole being. me.

this blog is part of that.

i'm back.

sorry for the absence. i promise i'm here to stay.

it's easy to lose yourself if you don't remind yourself who you are, why you're here.

i've learned that at least.

as for all that SAT junk...now that's a different story.

xo, Rose

have you ever gotten so caught up in something that you've lost yourself?

how did you get 'you' back?

in denial about being in denial? say wha?

2011-02-16T19:36:00.000-08:00

so i have a few things I want to say, but i was stalling because up until a few seconds ago I didn't know how I was going to say them.
here goes nothing. (what does that even mean??? more like here goes something.)
I think i've been lying to myself. <---i'm resisting the urge to put the phrase "a little" at the end of that sentence. lies are pretty black and white. you either lie or you don't. period.
i think i've been "messing with my food". (again, resisting the phrase -urge)
Carrie just wrote a really great post on "needing a gps" and how we kind of need a "gps" in recovery.
i think i just realized that she's right.
today was a little bit of (ah, shucks, gave into the urge, sorry!) a wake up call for me.
i was sitting in therapy and then i started talking about my food and somehow we got to the place where D was like "Are you messing with your food, Rose?"
I was all like "um, well, no i just---"
   "What just happened to your voice?"
   "My what?"
   "Your voice. Your voice just completely changed. You're messing with your food, aren't you?"
   "No, i mean, i'm not. I'm just not hungry. I'm really, truly not hungry. I don't eat when i'm not hungry. that's normal. "
   "You need to eat. Does L (dietitian) know about this?"
   "Yes. And so did you. L knows, she weighs me for gosh sake."
   "I did not know about this. I thought you got over that little period of time a few months ago, you didn't tell me about this"
   "I didn't because it's not a problem, i'm not doing it intentionally"...blahblahblah rose's eating disorder continues to fight a losing battle with her therapist for a good ten minutes of a 3/4 of an hour-long session
Eventually my brain kicked ED out for a few seconds of clarity and I realized that I have been lying to myself, and to all of you for a little while.
(I say "to all of you" because I feel that as a recovery blog, I have an absolute obligation to reveal when I am struggling, so as not to let my eating disorder lurk anywhere in these pages.)
Here's the deal. I cut back on my food a little over a month ago because my anxiety was getting super bad (i've now switched meds) and my stomach just couldn't handle a lot. That kind of triggered a little bit of restricting that I thought I had put an end to but it has still been trickling in.
I thought I had totally kicked ED out when, this weekend, i basically had a food fest and just ate tons of delicious food at every meal and was totally chill about it. (pictures of said deliciousness to come, no worries)
But then on monday and yesterday and then again today my food has been kind of off.
It took my therapist getting pretty effing angry at me for me to realize i had fallen off track. And i was in denial. And i was also in denial that i was in denial. woah there.
so, there. i said it. and it's awkward and weird (especially because my parents read this from time to time and that thought just embarrasses me a little bit but i'll get over it)
just now I ate a bagel (after solemnly eating a proffered [more like irritatedly insisted upon] balance bar in my therapist office, and i'm going to get back on track. (i hate that phrase. can we come up with a new one, perhaps one that doesn't rhyme quite as cheesily?)
i'm grateful that Carrie posted about a recovery GPS because it really helped me put this whole thing into perspective. I just needed my therapist to be my GPS, I needed someone to tell me that i was lost, so i wouldn't spend the extra hours roaming around before I realized I was going south instead of north.
That being said, it was also a really icky feeling to have my therapist be "mad" at me back there. I didn't like it one bit. I think that's almost a reason not to restrict in itself.
A reader recently emailed me and told me how much my blog has helped her. I love hearing that. And for that reason also, I know I need to keep going, because if there's one thing I want to do in this world, it's help people, and I only have a shot at that if i can help myself first.

PHEW. now wanna see some #MomofukuMadness???
now that all of that is taken care of, wanna see some photos of deliciousness?
sure ya do!

went to Momofuku's Milk bar with my daddyo

i was immediately drawn to the crack pie, of course.

they also have all these weird milks...i think they have something called "cereal milk" too...

the goods:

the compost cookie. uh-mazing. very possibly the best cookie i've ever tasted.
and i know my cookies, ladies and gents.

last but definitely not least, the famous Crack pie.
it's a drug no doubt. thought it's definitely cooler than crack, i assure you

thanks for listening to my rambles!

rose

The Sorcerer's Apprentice and Eating Disorders

2011-02-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

today in my (amazing, exhilarating, totally awesome) Popular Culture class, we watched Fantasia.
For those of you who don't know, Fantasia is a film that was originally produced by Disney and released in 1940. It was all about the merging of cartoon and classical music, a phenomenon that was really well received by film critics but that pissed a lot of music critics off (because they think Disney was "cheapening" the music)
For my class, we had to read an essay about "Reception theory" , which is basically what it sounds like, a study of how audiences receive or understand certain media based upon their personal experiences, outlook, socio-economic status, race, etc.
I had never seen Fantasia before. What's funny is that my favorite part of it was definitely the Mickey Mouse as the Sorcerer's Apprentice segment, which i've embedded below.
In it, (if you don't want to take 8 minutes to watch it, which is totally understandable, even though it is a Friday - thank god!!!) Mickey is the apprentice to a sorcerer. He is shown carrying heavy buckets of water up and down stairs, and feeling tired and strung out from all the heavy-lifting. He then starts playing around a little bit (by putting on the sorcerer's hat) and tries to make a broom come to life. It does. And then Mickey tries to teach the broom to do the heavy lifting for him.
The broom starts going up and down the stairs while Mickey just enjoys himself, sits back and relaxes. then Mickey falls asleep, and the next thing he knows, he is drowning in water because the broom has totally overdone it and is out of his control. Mickey doesn't know what to do. He freaks out and tries to get it to stop but then the brooms multiply and there are tons of them and they go faster and faster and Mickey is drowning and scared.
Eventually, the Sorcerer comes along and stops all of this madness, and Mickey is left ashamed and, well, in trouble for playing around.
I "received" this as an analogy for eating disorders. It hit me immediately that we are Mickey.
Tired and bored of the hum-drum of everyday life and feelings and all that other stuff, we tried to find a way out of it. We tried to find a way where we wouldn't have to do all the work. Feel all those bad things. The broom is our eating disorders.
At first, it was nice. We had a nice system going. The brooms were doing all the heavy-lifting. It gave us a nice break, a chance to relax, "take the edge off", kick up our feet (as Mickey does, literally) and just sail smoothly for a while, not feeling any feelings or having to actually engage in life.
Inevitably, though, we somehow let it get out of our control. We couldn't stop restricting. Or purging. Or bingeing. We begged and pleaded with our eating disorder to just stop, stop the awful thoughts and the crazy behaviors, as Mickey fruitlessly pleads with the brooms. It doesn't work.
Eventually, someone intervenes and we are left ashamed and confused as to how we got there. I mean, c'mon-- we were just playing around a little bit! Skipping a couple meals. Seeing if sticking our fingers down our throats would make us feel better. Trying on the proverbial sorcerer's cap. We then spiraled out of control and were drowning in our own, self-made flood of anxiety and fear and food. Finally, (hopefully), someone steps in and makes it all stop. Calms the waves for a little bit. Takes control. We, having (again, hopefully) learned our lesson walk away, not unscathed, but at least we didn't drown.
We are the Sorcerer's Apprentices.

xo,
Rose

you don't know how lucky you are.

2011-02-07T19:17:00.000-08:00

i was talking in therapy today (isn't it just darn comical when people start their sentences [or blog posts] like that?) about how i am always jealous of girls who are sicker than I am, or was.

I've always kind of been curious about this phenomenon, as it, being related to eating disorders, has always kind of seemed different, or somehow more complex than just your standard, run-of-the-mill jealousy.

i'm pretty sure this is a common theme in eating disorders...jealousy/competitiveness/whatever you want to call it. It's kind f the source of a lot of tension the "ED world", so to speak, because most people with an ed do not think they are "sick enough" or as "sick" as the next girl (in the waiting room, the dietitians office, the doctors office, on the street, etc).

(Source: Samantha Conlon)

some quotations...

18036) My best friend is my trigger.

18126) I secretly wish that all the ED girls who I follow will have a bad day, so that I can feel even better about my good day.

(from Confessions about Eating Disorders (i'm only posting the link b/c i have to for copyright reasons--but don't visit this site if you're easily triggered, please.)

so...what the hell is up with us?

What's with all the competition and jealousy?

Anyway, so i was talking in therapist about how
yes, i, too, still get really upset/jealous/whatever when I see girls who are visibly very sick, or when girls who I know relapse. I was talking about how I hate that they get more attention than I do.
D (my therapist) asked how I know they get more attention. I said, in my experience, they just do.

And i, being bulimic, i have always felt that I do not warrant the same kind of attention as a super-underweight anorexic. (see this post for more on that)

(Source: 1000 nightmares)

I was saying how I "hated" the girls who came into treatment, kicking and screaming and ridiculously underweight, usually between the ages of 14-18, forced by their parents or doctor. I said I hated them because they didn't know how lucky they were. how lucky they were to have people who noticed early. How lucky they were not to have to take responsibility for choosing treatment. How lucky they were to be in the position of stubborn, sick, anorexic girl who needs lots of care, attention and coaxing and support.

How lucky they were to still be stuck in the oblivion of their eating disorder, making the rest of us miserable with their stupid comments about how "this place just wants to make me fat", and not having to worry or think about recovery because, in fact, they didn't care.
I talked about how I'd always wanted to get out of my chair or off my couch in the group room and scream at them, lungs full and face red you don't know how lucky you are, you skinny fucking bitch!

But then D said something really smart. (lol, look at that, Rose-a therapist said something insightful!) She reminded me of something I had totally forgotten. she said, I think you want to tell them how lucky they are in general, but you're just minimizing it down to food and body-weight and ed-stuff.

true, true or true?

I pick all three.

I forgot about this.

I forgot about how eating disorders do this.

How we feel something very strongly but then we make it all about food and weight and ed-related stuff.

just cause we're programmed like that. or cause it's easier. I don't know.

but when I thought about it, and I mean really thought about it, I realized D was right.

What I really wanted (and want to) say to all those girls (and not only the very sick ones, but also my friends from school and many people in my life) is you don't know how lucky you are.

Because, at times, I feel unlucky.

Whether that is depression, anxiety, teenagerness, ed-ness, or circumstance, I don't know. But I assume I'm not alone in this. I think we all envy others when we are feeling down ( I know i have days where i'd rather be the homeless man on Fifth Avenue than be myself), and I think those of us with eating disorders just attribute it to weight/degree of sickness or acuteness/ ed-related attention, etc and so forth.

I'm not really sure what the remedy for this is. I think for those of us with eating disorders, it can simply be remind ourselves that it's about more than what that girl weighs, or what you weigh.

(Source: Tumblr Photography)

And it's about more than how she is still "allowed" to starve herself, etc, etc. And for all of us, I think it's about being grateful for what we have. Even if it feels like not a lot sometimes. I know my ability to be thankful for the things in my life changes from moment to moment, but i think no matter what, i can always find something, even if it's just a blanket or a cup of tea, to be happy about.
What are you grateful for today?

And can you relate to any part of my crazy-jealousy?

Let me know in the comments :)

Momofuku Giveaway!

2011-01-31T19:08:00.000-08:00

alright guys, so i wasn't very specific about what the prizes were for my Safe Sofia, Save Ourselves giveaway because I didn't know what it was going to be, but i've decided to give you all a sneak peek into some possible prizes...
Anybody ever heard of Momofuku?
it's pretty much one of the coolest restaurants in the city, i'm going later this week (don't worry, i'll take plenty of pics!), and i thought i might share some of the goods with any of you who wish to tweet/facebook/mass-email/blog about Sofia's fund. (click on that to see her fundraising page & possibly even make a donation???)

ive been looking through the momofuku website and i found these goodies...
check this out
The Compost cookie
pretzels, potato chips, coffee, oats, butterscotch, chocolate chips

or how about this...

Blueberry and Cream cookie

dried blueberries, milk crumbs

and the feature presentation i give you:

Crack Pie

toasted oat crust, gooey butter filling

are you all drooling yet? I hope so.

if you want a chance to win these, possibly along with some other goodies that i haven't picked out yet,

(momofuku cookbook, anyone?)

please please please tweet/facebook/blog about/email/ Sofia's fund, or better yet, donate!

RT @grlspinsmadlyon Enter an amazing Momofuku Giveaway!!! http://bit.ly/gasxsI #sofiasfund

extra entries for tweeting/facebooking or otherwise promoting this giveaway post!

rose

Cloud Cookies and Lingering Reminders

2011-01-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

Before you read this post, if you haven't already entered my amazing giveaway by donating to, tweeting, facebooking or emailing Sofia's fundraiser, go to my last post : Safe Sofia, Save Ourselves and do so immediately!
phew. ok, now that that's out of the way...
wanna see some pictures?!
yesterday, I met my beautiful friend Kitty for brunch at Le Pain Quotidein.
Neither of us had ever gotten their semi-famous "bread basket" before, so we decided to take the big leap and go for it.
it was frickin huge!

this picture (obviously) doesn't do it justice so you'll just have to trust me on this one.
there were multiple pieces of delicous bread that were about 2X the size of my face

as requested, it came with lots of awesome spreads. they were all delicious!

kitty developed a quick addiction to this here decadent breakfast condiment.
i don't blame the girl.

and my personal fave...

guess its fitting, since i'm a brunette.

unsurprisingly, after we acquired quite large food babies, we were happy campers.

kitty may very well murder me for putting this on the world wide web,
but i think it's adorable. she's my favorite "blondie" ;)

my last (on the fly)comment about "food babies" reminds me of what else i wanted to talk about in this post: lingering reminders of my eating disorder.

As many of you may know, my official diagnosis was bulimia, which was fitting for the most part. In that vein, i was stick-thin or emaciated, despite my rather drastic weight fluctuations, i always looked pretty normal (aside from the huge bags under my eyes, the chipmunk cheeks and my lovely smelling breath, ya know, i was normal.)

{intermission}

yo, check it, MORE BLONDIES!!!

i went to the birthday party of a very special six-year-old yesterday.
that's her adorable little bro next to her. my niece and nephew are just too cute.

happy sixth birthday, sophie! i love you!

{end intermission}

people couldn't tell just by looking at me that I had an eating disorder.

This used to make me super angry, but now I really don't care at all, in fact, i'm happy to be normal!

how pretty is this kale? I made my parents kale last night, it was delish!

Nowadays, even if people followed me around with a camera for 24 hours, they would have no idea that i used to have an eating disorder. Mostly everything I do is totally normal. mostly =) .

Today, i wanted to talk about the lingering reminders, the things that still are on my mind and that bother me in terms of the Ed.

(in no particular order):

1.) Food Babies

I mentioned this above. I hate being super super full. Back in my ED days, I got to the point where if i my stomach was ever less than growling-crazy- starving- empty, i would run right to the bathroom. Now, of course, things are different, and i really appreciate the satisfaction of a good meal. But food babies and being super full? Not so much. I know most (normal) people don't enjoy being overly full, but the difference is that for a lot of people with eds its more of an emotional issue than a physical one. It's the thoughts and feelings that are triggered by feeling a heaviness in my stomach that bother me, not the heaviness itself.

this chocolate has truffles in it. O.M.G.

2.)Fat Talk

I hate fat talk. a lot a lot a lot. Conversations like this totally set me off. I think my aversion to fat talk runs a little deeper than just plain old anger, to be perfectly honest. I think my problem with it is not only that its just rude, mean, unhelpful, not constructive and none-of-your-ffing-business why that kid is pudgy, or why that popular girl ate some extra cookies over christmas break, its more about my perception of myself. I think my hatred of fat talk stems from a deep-seated fear/belief that i have that when people are talking about that chubby kid on the street, they might as well be talking about me because, hey, i'm fat too.

I know this is wrong. I know i'm not overweight. That's not the point here. The point is that, emotionally, i feel as if people are (or might as well be) talking about me, because in my mind, no matter what, i feel fat. This certainly still bothers me.

**************************************

strawberries

plus...

best. snack. ever.

*******************************************

3.)"unhealthy" foods

whether or not my sometimes avoidance of "unhealthy" foods is eating disordered is debatable in this day and age (especially near this corner of the blogosphere) . i know that for me, however, my drive to eat "healthy" "pure" "unprocessed" foods is semi-dangerous and that I can't take it too far. I need to know that if i want a freaking milk chocolate bar rather than a vegan 99.999% block of fucking cocoa, then that's okay. I need to keep a handle on myself and know it's okay to bake with All-Purpose Flour, that it's not the devil and it won't rot my brain. I don't always have to drink Kombucha or eat perfectly fresh fruit, and hey, if i want a bowl of Lucky Charms for breakfast (not that i really do...) is that really so bad?

perhaps i'll continue this and make it into a series of sorts if any more lingering reminders pop into my head, but for now that's all I wanted to say about that.

Now for the real reason your reading this post:

Cloud Cookies.

remember back when I got this book?

well, i finally put it into good use.

um, guys, i have to tell you, these are the best things i have ever baked.

no joke.

since i didn't have sliced almonds, i heated these up and chopped them by hand.
totally fine, except that i nearly chopped off my thumb.

oh, the things a girl will do for a cookie.

why, yes, dear reader, that is an 8 dollar hunk of Valrhona chocolate!

fucking scrumptious.

they're light, slightly crunchy, have a delicious nutty/praline-y taste.

check out those cracks!

those air holes? totally amazing. (totally supposed to be there!)

ahhhh.

Cloud Cookies

(adapted from Sarabeth's Bakery cookbook)

Makes about 3 dozen cookies

Ingredients:

11/3 cup granulated sugar

11/3 cup light brown sugar

16 tbsp (2sticks) butter

3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 large eggs (room temp)

2 cups all purpose flour (!!!)

3/4 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon fine sea salt

2 cups (8 ounces) toasted sliced(or chopped) almonds (i used less than this, about 7 ounces)

2 cups (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips (or chunks)

Preheat oven to 350 F. Line three cookie sheets with parchment paper. combine sugars in medium bowl. set aside. Beat butter until smooth, about 1 minute. Gradually add sugar mixture, then the vanilla.
Beat, occasionally scarping the bottom and sides of the bowl, until the mixture is pale yellow and light-textured, about 5 minutes. Gradually beat in eggs.
Sift the flour, baking soda and salt together. With mixer speed on low, add the dry ingredients in three additions, mixing just until each is incorporated. Add almonds and chocolate chips and mix until combined.
Using a 2-inch diamater spoon/ice cream scoop (i used a tablespooon), portion out batter onto the prepared pans. Using the heel of your palm, slightly flatten each ball of dough. Bake about 10-14 minutes (for a slightly crunchier, crisper cookie, bake for up to 18 minutes). During the last 3 minutes, rap each pan on the rack. the cookies will deflate and their signature cracks will appear. Cool on pans and store in airtight container for up to 5 days.

xo, rose.

Save Sofia, Save Ourselves.

2011-01-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

does anyone remember this lovely girl?

it's okay if you don't.
i forgive you.
just go read my post: How to Save a Life.
For those of you who weren't around or don't remember, this is Sofia.
Sofia has an eating disorder.
She needs our help.
Badly.
Back in October, I asked you guys to check out her fundraising page because she was trying to raise money to get into treatment. The same treatment facility that I trust because I, personally, was able to find a peaceful place to being my recovery there.
Starting today, I'm doing a Momofuku giveaway (scroll to the bottom of this post for details), and begging you to donate.
You see, after she did some fundraising and after Sofia's father took out money from his savings, Sofia was able to go into treatment like we all were hoping she would. Phew.
But her insurance cut out super early again. Big Surprise there, right?
She also is still in the appeals process. It's kind of a bummer.
Sofia has worked so hard and come so far, even in the midst of her debilitating mental illness.
Here is some of Sofia's wisdom about recovery that I think you all deserve to hear:

“it was then that I realized, my moment of clarity wasn’t

going to come. That moment in movies where the heavens part and the addict wakes up and realizes their illness is

going to kill them and it scares them into changing their behavior. I mean I’ve had little moments like that. Where I saw the reality of my situation and it terrified me. I’ve had moments where I come out of it enough to realize the insanity of my behavior and the seriousness of my medical status and the very potentially fatal consequences of my actions…and this is part of why I realized that I needed to reach out and find a way to come up with this money, because I will die before I'm just startled enough to just stop."

[she is implying here that she needs proper treatment, she understands that she can't do this on her own]

And you see, all of this is why Sofia inspires me. She's a fighter.

She sets off a spark in me.

She makes me think of this quotation:

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Nelson Mandela

I wouldn't ask you all to take a moment of your time, and possibly a cent from your wallet if this didn't mean something. Sofia means something. I know it.
But she's just one person, right?
What's the point of giving money to just one person?
You might be asking yourself this question.
I know i did.
Here's the thing, though. While physically yes, Sofia is, in fact, just one person in this universe of ours, she means more than that.
really, she does.
Don't believe me?
I see myself Sofia.
I also see you in Sofia.
Yes, you, you, the one reading this right at this very moment.
Sofia represents all of us when we are at the very bottom of our ropes. the end of the line. desperate. pleading. needy.
this, my friends, is not a fun place for anyone to be. But we've all been there.
I have. I will again.
You have. And you probably will again, too.
Your low and my low probably don't look the same.
Maybe the last time you were at the end of your rope, it was because a loved one was sick. Or your dog was lost. Or maybe you lost a job, or a friend, or maybe you just spilled some coffee and stubbed your toe and just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

Was somebody there to help you up?
Really, think about it.
Or did you do fix it, get better, get well, become happier, yourself again all on your own?
Was it the smile of a kind stranger that knocked you back into reality? Or maybe a husbands' firm hug?
Whatever it was, I hope you were not alone. I hope that somebody helped you. I hope that that inspires you to help Sofia. Sofia is in all of us. We just need to see it.
The question then is, really, will you help yourself?

here's the link to her fundraiser: http://www.giveforward.com/stillfighting

and one last quotation from Sofia:

"I really don’t know what more I can do but be totally honest and be persistent…and not

worry about what people think about this persistence [to raise money], because the

persistence is for my life…I can tell you about my passion to help the world, I can tell you

that I understand that I am just one person, no more or less important or special than the

next, but that I also believe we are all worth saving."

with love and gratitude,

Rose

EDIT:
GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED, AS THE TECHNICAL FUNDRAISING TIME IS OVER. If you still feel compelled to promote or donate please, by all means, go ahead. That would be what they might call noble. ;)

scones and snow

2011-01-26T17:26:00.000-08:00

yesterday, i had to go out in this weather

and take a walking tour of manhattan.
oh the things that i have to do for my school.
naturally, though, i did what any secretly resentful dumb teenager would do:
I wore sneakers with no socks. Just to....ya know....prove a point?
maybe?
i dont know.
it was dumb.
i thought i was going to get hypothermia.
luckily, (very luckily), i didn't.
when i got home i made scones.
Joy the Baker's Orange&Dark Chocolate Buttermilk Scones
(i made mine whole wheat). yum.
i'd like to call them WWBOZCC scones. go figure.

zesting was hard. i think i hurt my finger.
is zesting a word?
no. i don't think so.

of course i'd love baking.
it allows me to make a mess in the kitchen and my mom can't say a thing about it.

for at least an hour, anyway.

aren't these just sick?
I mean, c'mon guys, they have zest.

yeah they were really good.
especially straight out of the oven.
Can i make a confession?

i made them 24 hours ago and they're already all gone. except for one.

My parents have barely touched them.

And Willy hasn't gotten to them either.
Yeah.
I ate them all. (Well, almost.)
yummmmmmmmmmm.

I wanted to show you something.
I think it'll make you laugh.

Did you laugh?
Yeah, probably not. But you at least smiled, right?
Or cringed?
Either way, i hope you enjoyed my 90's Gap Hat modeling and my raving about orange zest buttermilk whole wheat blahblahblah scones. ;)
here's the recipe.
basically filched straight from joy's site.
i have no mercy.
xo

Whole Wheat Buttermilk Orange zest Chocolate Chip Scones.
or just WWBOZCC Scones. oh yeah.

1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 teaspoons orange zest
2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons cold unsalted butter
1 large egg yolk
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons cold buttermilk (i made my own!)
1/3 cup dark chocolate chips
Place rack in the upper third of the oven and preheat to 425 degrees F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper and set aside.In a mixing bowl, sift together flour, sugar, orange zest, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse meal. I use my fingers to rub the butter and dry ingredients together. In another bowl, combine egg yolk and buttermilk and beat lightly with a fork. Add to flour mixture all at once, stirring enough to make a soft dough. Fold in the chocolate chips.Turn out onto a floured board and knead about 15 times. Roll or pat out into a 1-inch thickness. Cut into 4 large or 6 small squares. Place on prepared baking sheet and bake at 425 degrees F for 12-15 minutes. These are best when serve immediately with butter and jam. (or clotted cream! ahhhhh)

cupcake debt

2011-01-23T18:42:00.000-08:00

so, after my last post, i'm in cupcake debt.
that's fine though, it basically just means that i have the
best readers ever.
seriously, though, i love you guys.
i don't know what i'd do without you. so, thanks.
now would you like to hear about the rest of my weekend?

it was really thrilling!

first off, i had some good friends by my side the whole time.

i indulged in some really delectable eats...

in all honesty, these are actually pretty delicious.
at least when you're mouth tastes like lung. eewwwww

i did some research- i'm trying to figure out how i can pay off my debt...

and saw some interesting photographs!

so yeah, i'm sick.
spent the whole weekend in bed, blahblahblah.
of course i started feeling better tonight, which means that i'll definitely have no excuse not to go to school tomorrow. Oh well.
In that case, i should probably get back to writing my religion essay.
Hope you all had a much, much, much better weekend than i did (or at least a more exciting one!)<---i can't wait for the day when i don't have to say that! ;)
happy sunday!
(i'm hoping that i'll be back in the kitchen by later this week, because i at least owe you guys a recipe! did i mention that i love you guys?!)

2 truths and a lie.

2011-01-21T18:49:00.000-08:00

remember that game, two truths and a lie?

I think it's one of those "let's get to know each other" things that camp counselors or trip leaders or michael scott would try to do to get a group of people to "break the ice" or get to know each other.

i decided that i want to play that with you guys today.

except, usually, in "TTAAL", you have to think of three stories (two which are true, one which is a lie) and tell them to the group, and then the group has to try to guess which one is a lie.

I'm not gonna make you guys guess.

1. Truth: I used to have friends

I used to consider myself a fairly "outgoing", extroverted person. I used to (by the time i was in 6th grade or so) have a fairly stable group of friends. I would walk into school every day with the basic knowledge of where I belonged, and the reassurance that there would, indeed, be people there who were at least slightly happy to see me on any given day.

this guy's always happy to see me. i'm his best ball-thrower.

This year has been a roller coaster, to say the least. Last week was my one-year 'anniversary' of going into treatment (for the last time), and kind of a big milestone.

I used to consider my social skills to be one of my biggest strengths. In essays that I might have to write about myself for various applications, etc, I would always write that i could be happy anywhere, as long as I had friends, and that I always had a way of finding friends.

I was never, per se, in the popular group at my school, but by the time i was in high school i never really minded. A lot of my self-confidence came from my ability to rely on the fact that i was generally well-liked and sociable, and I usually thought of myself as, among other things, a good friend.

2. Truth: None of the above is true, not anymore.

(it's okay i didn't break the game- that's why i wrote in the past tense!)

In the past year i: went into treatment, began my recovery, learned a heck of a lot about myself, ate, left treatment, started this blog, had a summer internship, started with a therapist (for REAL this time), learned to bake, started my 2nd shot at Junior year, and then subsequently had a total meltdown while seemingly floating above water (or snow) for what seems like a very long time (i'm pretty sure i'm still just floating).

That's a lot of stuff.

Here's a picture to give your mind a break

i forgot to mention that i've also begun a slight love affair with online shopping,
particularly Gilt Groupe. I bought myself this bracelet last week. mmmm.

Okay, back to me.

One particularly profound thing that has happened to me this year is that my whole outlook, being has seemed to change in terms of my friends, etc. I used to have friends. I told you that.

When i returned to school this year, it was made pretty clear fairly quickly that those friends were no longer going to be a big part of my life, for whatever reasons. I set out to find new friends.

That has proved to be really, really hard. So hard in fact, that i was about to give up, until I met C.

C is pretty cool. She's new this year too, but also slightly different from the other nyc prep-school (not to be confused with THIS awful television show, although i do[unfortunately] know some of the cast)kids in my class. See, C just got back from spending two years in a boarding-house in Holland. I kind of was drawn to her cause she seemed more worldly & less-dumbly-teenagerish than the other kids. We became friends.

one of my infamous B&N stacks lately. I bought a few, and will certainly share the deets once i 'dig in' :)

Recently, C became friends with a few other girls in our class, let's call them A and G. A and G and super cool. I've always kind of admired G. She's a little intimidating but pretty nice, and totally the prettiest girl in our school (imho)

I got a little nervous. C is my friend. And my only (real, female) friend (at school), if we're being honest here. What if she ditched me? Would i really have to resign myself to spending the next two years being that weird girl who walks around with her earphones in all the time? *shudders*

Then today, something happened, and i'm going to share it with you.

I'm pretty sure that i got royally ditched.

Yup, that's right.

Gossip girl/skins/whatever teenage-high -school- drama -series -you- want -to- insert-in- here- style.

ouch, right?

Here, i'll tell you the story. Today after school, i went to find C to see if she was ready to leave. We always walk to the subway together and catch up on our days. She was sitting with A. They were planning to go hang out for a bit and then go over to a museum or something. I joined in the conversation and pretty soon it seemed like it would be alright, that i could go too (everything is unspoken, obviously. Aint you ever been in high school?)

G comes over. She joins in. The four of us are making plans and everything seems okay until all of a sudden they decide they each want to split and go home and do work. On a friday afternoon. okay...

it's decided that we'll do that and then meet up tonight and go out for a little bit and then tomorrow and then go to the museum tomorrow, instead. Good game plan. We all walk out of school and part ways.

mug of tea, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Larabar & the sunrise.

then, a few hours ago, C texts me and says she didn't realize but she can't do tonight because her parents had tickets to a show that she forgot about. Fair.

Then i texted her to say i didnt want to feel like i was inviting myself to their 'date' or whatever tomorrow, is she sure it's alright with A & G ? She texts me back saying that's not happening anymore either, she needs to be with her grandma tomorrow.

oh.

C never stays home all weekend. I know this about her. I definitely was unwanted.

I got ditched. Royally.

phew. that was a long saga, no? i feel like i'm back in high school again...

3. Lie: I'm okay.

I'm really sick of pretending to me, to C, to everyone that i'm fucking okay all the time. I'm not fucking okay. I'm not. All of this sucks. so much. I used to be happy and have friends and be comfortable.

My biggest worry when i went to school in the mornings used to be whether or not i should have studied for that physics final (as it should be), not whether or not i'll have someone to sit with at lunch.

And drama like today, well, i'm fucking sick of it. I wish (i think) that people would just reject me to my face, instead of going about it in a roundabout way.

Maybe, you say, i've interpreted this whole instance wrong, maybe C really does have to watch the game with her grandma tomorrow, maybe i'm being overly sensitive.

Maybe. Maybe i am.

I hope i am.

But that's not the point.

The point is that i'm no longer myself. I don't feel like myself.

I'm anxious all the time and nervous constantly. My social skills have totally regressed to back when I was in 5th grade and thought that having the highest pony-tail is what made someone cool.

I recently looked up the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder, with the fear that i might have developed it. I never used to be anxious about anything.

Notice that the only "tag" about moods on over there on the right ------------------------------------------->

is "depression", i used to be the opposite of anxious.

i'm sick. stayed home yesterday. made myself pancakes & tea for breakfast. YUM.

EDIT.

while i was in the middle of writing this saga of a post, my friend B called me.

we just talked for an hour , 15 minutes and 43 seconds.

i just told her everything. and feel so much better. and like at least i have a friend.

i'm going to post this anyway though, because i feel like this blog could use a kick of reality and real emotion on it. so here goes.

i'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

i'll buy you a cupcake if you made it all the way through this post. seriously.

rose

tomato soup for the sad soul

2011-01-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

pretty much immediately after i finished writing this whinge of a post, i forayed into the kitchen to make me some tomato soup.
i was trying to make a variation on Holly's recipe but since i was lazy/lacking major ingredients, i improvised (or tried to, at least).

here's some 7-grain bread.
it's kinda old. Or actually, i don't know how old it is, but i'm assuming it's old because i don't remember when it first appeared in our breadbox.
The past few meals i've kind of been scrounging around for different kinds of grains to use, because i'm weird about bread and really only like it if it's super fresh. But when i found holly's recipe i realized it was perfect because i could use this and make it into croutons to get some lovely starchies. score.
that was a long story about the bread.
i cut it into cubes.

then while trying to prepare the breadcubes i managed to spill peppercorn all over the place. willy tried to eat some and got what he deserved ;)

okay- here comes the really messy part.
I tried to improvise tomato soup.
i took out some pizza sauce (um?) and tomato puree, poured it into a pot, and hoped for the best.

while that disaster was brewing, this happened:

actual yum.

let's just say that the above tomato concoction didn't work out. i'll spare you the description of the taste/texture.

called in for some backup.

i am, always have been, and now i guess always will be a campbells girl.
oh well.
tried to be creative anyway. added a few drops of these two:

here's what resulted.

delicious.

let's just say this totally cheered me up.

(don't tell my ego that the phone call from my therapist also helped.)

really, SHH!

tomato soup from the sad soul (name and recipe adapted from Holly's recipe ;) )

soup:
1 Can Tomato Soup
(or, if your cooler than I am, go ahead- make your own, I won't hold it against you- maybe.)
If using tomato soup add 1/2 cup water and 1/2 cup of moo milk (i used 1%)<---the addition of milk is awesome, i swear.
Heat all over stovetop, stirring occasionally.
add tabasco + hot onion sauce (or any other kind of flavorings) as desired
croutons:
preheat oven to 350F
cut up some bread that you dont' want to eat alone (or just any regular bread, ya know) into cubes
toss w/Extra Virgin Olive Oil (look guys, I spelled it out! None of this EVOO-crap on THIS blog!) ;)
add garlic powder, salt + pepper as desired
stick on baking sheet for two mintues, take out and sprinkle cheese on top. stick in oven for two more minutes. remove sheet from oven, turn croutons for even browning, and bake for two more minutes.

voila! no more sadness, right? (seek professional help if this doesn't suffice. i won't tell , promise).

so...what's my deal yo?

2011-01-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

good afternoon faithful bloggees. (If i'm the tutor and your the tutee, and i'm the advisor and you're the advisee, then if i'm the blogger, you're most definitely the bloggee, right? right. settled.)

So i'm home from school today. Home sick.
Although here's the issue- i'm not so sure that i'm sick.
It's just that i have been feeling terrible lately about pretty much everything in life and last night i basically had a total emotional crisis moment and then this morning i woke up and my entire body wouldn't move.
Ever have one of those freaky dreams where you are trying to move your limbs but they're paralyzed? It was kind of like that. But not a dream. Or at least i don't think it was a dream. And then i was all achey.

And my brain keeps on getting upset whenever i start to think about the things that are going on in my life (ahem- how hard school is right now and how much i wish i had actual friends in high school these days...)
and then my whole mind goes blank and i'm back in empty mode and i don't know where to go from there.

So that's the deal with me.

the way i can tell that most of this is psychological though (even though it's kinda crazy that it's affecting me so physically) is that i really just want to spend today baking this:

(http://www.joythebaker.com/blog/2010/02/bread-and-butter/)

i've never made bread before. ever.
bread is no easy task, folks. (even for a seasoned baker like moi) <---kidding. duh.
but i don't know about you but i'm pretty sure that if i was coming down the the flu or sars or something then i would probably not be feeling super ambitious and like i wanted to toil over some yeast and flour in the kitchen.

In order to at least save myself the added guilt of feeling like i'm skipping school so i can make bread, i'm gonna skip that activity for today. (and most likely forever. i mean, how could i possibly not come out of that feeling like a failure when my predecessor was Joy, baker extraordinaire?) I hope she doesn't mind that i clearly have a huge out-of-control bloggy crush on her. oops.

ok well now my head hurts. like really hurts. as in not a euphemism for i'm upset. so i think i'm going to go make myself some soup. and maybe nap or watch some bad tv.
if i take any pictures of my soup and it turns out looking warhol-esque or if anything interesting happens in my very uninteresting day, i'll be sure to share with ya'll.
happy friday :)
R

2011-01-10T04:41:00.000-08:00

my reader is at 354 unread posts
i haven't flossed, gone to the gym, or talked to my best friend (hi, Lauren- i miss you!)in almost a week.
i really want to write a post, no, scratch that- a thousand posts for you guys, but i'm exhausted and this weekend was crazybusy and i've had a lot going on school- wise (and a LOTALOT going on in my head- note the title of this here blog)

so i basically feel that if i were to offer you guys anything right now it would look a little like this:

source: Mary V Robinson
here, won't you take some itchy, dried out grassy, dirt stuff?

but i'm gonna go ahead and take a wild guess that you don't want that.

i have mucho going on but wanted to pop in and say hi anyway.
I know, i know, the unwritten rule of blogger-dom is "if you don't have anything interesting to post, don't post anything at all", but this is my blog and i can post/cry if i want to, and since when am I one for obeying the social structure, right?

hope you all have a wonderful start to your week, and i hope to see you soon!
xo
rose
tell me how you're doing in the comments, if you so please :)

*

2011-01-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

things i love. (in no particular order.)

french fries.

i mean, who doesn't love the feel of a spicy, crispy, fried stick o' salted potato on their tongue?
i especially love that i can eat a few with friends, and now can be spared the fear of instantly gaining ten pounds and don't have to order a bucket- load of guilt and self-loathing on the side.

love, mom.

i loved chuckling at this note my mom left me yesterday, because she got so crazed and stressed before she had to run off to dinner that she felt the need to remind me six times to please walk the dog (i received an email and a few text messages too, mind you.)

eating pb& j (well actually almond butter and jam, but who's asking?) for dinner. well, with a side of chocolate, duh.

clothing that pretends it belongs it the army.

S'mores!!!
(recipe at bottom)
i decided to write a post about some things that i love. i've said this before, but i love a lot of things.
my inspiration for this post was more so that i've been having a kind of hard week, getting back into school and all, and i wanted to remind myself of all the things that are still great in my life.
I've been having a lot of anxiety lately, and today my therapist asked me what things do i do (healthy things, of course) that can help me relieve my anxiety. The main thing i thought of was blogging.
i freaking love blogging. I loved doing my last post (written mainly by Amanda, of course) on friendship and eating disorders, and i loved hearing all the feedback on it. I so enjoy getting into conversations with people about topics that we have in common like this, and where else would i be able to hear strangers' stories, or take their words of advice?

and, i've said this before i think, but i want to help people. i love getting questions from readers or people who stumbled on my blog about recovery and the likes. it makes me so thrilled when people reach out, as if they are taking a step towards recovery, and i love being a part of that.

Now, call me nosy, but i adore reading other blogs. I mean how much fun is it to live, eat OIAJ, go to foodbuzz, run a marathon or practice yoga and a million other things (vicariously* ;) ) all in one day?!

it's pretty amazing, i'd say.

All of this, and feeling supported and like there are other people who i genuinely like, or who i "get" who "get" me out in the world, is the thing that keeps me the most sane, even on my crazy days.

and i'm so grateful for that.

hope you all are having a good week!

Not your Papas' Campfire S'mores

(recipe adapted from Sprinkles of Parsley)

you will need:

15 (about 8oz?)graham crackers

11/3 Cup butter

chocolate chips(i used plain-old semi-sweet Nestle, but any kind would be fine)

mini-marshmallows!

recipe:

preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

put all the graham crackers in a plastic bag (or two). mash them up using the bottom side of a measuring cup (or something else, idk) until all that's left are crumbs

add butter and mix until it's evenly distributed

spread in 8X8 baking pan, sprayed with non-stick spray. (line the pan with a sheet or two of tin foil that is also sprayed on the top, so you can transfer the s'mores and then get them off the foil w/o trouble!)

dump on the choc chips and then marshmallows! stick in the oven for 20 minutes.

voila! instant campfire. now anyone know any good folk songs we can sing? :)

Guest Post: Eating Disorders + Friends- yay or nay?

2010-12-30T20:34:00.000-08:00

Hi all!
I asked the lovely, brilliant, talented Amanda to write a post for me. I have always admired her blog, her careful, detailed and in-depth writing style, and her attitude towards the realities of recovery. Amanda has become what i would call a 'blog friend' to me, and i couldn't think of a more appropriate topic on which to hear her 'speak' than that of friends and eating disorders.
I have many of my own stories and theories on this, as well as on friendships in their own right. For now i'll let Amanda's piece speak it's truth, the great truth that it is.

I'm thinking of doing a series on friendships, so if you could please leave in the comments any ideas/suggestions/questions/topics that you would like me to address in an upcoming post, that would be wonderful (it may, but does not have to do with eating disorders)
Thanks! And now it's Amanda's turn...

When I was first diagnosed with an eating disorder, I didn’t know anyone else with an ed. I felt like a royally-screwed freak, to say the least. Going inpatient was my first exposure to other women with eating disorders, and that was a revelation to me! I didn’t feel so alone or bizarre anymore; instead I felt safe and accepted. These were (otherwise) normal women—not scary or strange!

(Source: Lusiacativo )

I almost immediately attached myself to someone who arrived shortly after me: my now best friend, Julia. We quickly formed an inseparable bond of mutual love, support, and trust. My counselor warned me not to become too attached to Julia, because becoming dependent on or competitive with each other would actually hinder our recoveries.

However, that never happened. I witnessed other relationships detrimental to overall recovery, but Julia and I remained strong and true friends. When she left the inpatient center before I did, that was a real test of my recovery—could I continue without her?

I’m proud to say that I could. And I did.

The next test was of our friendship. We live states apart, so would we remain friends after we both went home? Were we “eating disorder friends” (that is, was our friendship based entirely around our disorders), or were we friends who just happen to have an eating disorder in common?

The end of the story is that we are friends, period. She is my soul mate of friends, and our bond is not based on an eating disorder. That just happens to be what brought us together—and it’s amazing and frightening to think that if we hadn’t both gone into treatment at the same time and place, we never would have met!

Yet the fact is we do have an eating disorder in common, and that’s something we do still talk about and support each other in. Obviously that makes our relationship fundamentally different than our other friendships—and while that’s potentially toxic for some people, it’s not for us. It’s an unclear and difficult balance, but I think the difference is that we are friends first and we have eating disorders second.

And as selfish as this sounds, we are committed to our own recoveries first and each other’s recoveries second. Keeping that in perspective is most important, which is a major lesson I learned while inpatient…

Your recovery IS NOT and CANNOT be dependent on anyone else’s recovery.

(source: Here Comes the Sun)

Granted it’s terribly hard to watch a friend fall and not be affected. After I came home from inpatient, one of my local friends “came out of the closet” with her eating disorder. I watched her struggle and crumble, and I have to admit that it hit me hard. However, even harder was the decision I had to make for my own health: I had to put my recovery first, because how could I support her if I relapsed into my own ed? And how could I tell her that she should be pursuing recovery no matter what if I wasn’t doing that too?

There is a fine line when it comes to friends with eating disorders, even if you only know them through blogs. So I think the “take home” points from this are:

There is a difference between “eating disorder friends” who have only an ed in common, and friends who both happen to have eating disorders. (Hint: you want to be the latter.)
Comparing or competing is not indicative of true friendship. You can only hurt each other in those ways, so it’s better to let go of those friends—err, frenemies.
Your recovery has to take priority in your life. Once you are (relatively) free of your own ed, then you will be able to help others.
Your recovery is not dependent on anyone else’s!

Author’s note: This was a surprisingly difficult post to write. It’s something that I believe is very important and needs to be addressed; but when I sat down to write, I had trouble deciding where to start. There’s so much to say, and I could probably write an entire series of posts on the subject (if not an entire blog)!

As I said, eating disorders + friendships is a sticky subject. And how can I pare down such a mysterious thing as friendships into mortal words? Who am I to judge or write about them? What do I know more than you?

I suppose my chief concern is this: keep yourself and your friendships safe. An ed tends to infiltrate every aspect of our lives and take away what’s most precious. We must fight hard and stay vigilant, but our eventual freedom and happiness is well worth the work.

oatmeal kiss pancakes & being lazy

2010-12-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

winter break is the bomb-diggity.

my activities as of the past few days have been as follows:

-hibernate (sleep/nap/act dead in bed)

-bake

-eat

-watch Dexter

repeat.

self-explanatory deliciousness, no?

it's been wonderful & lazy, to say the least.

This morning i got dressed before 12pm (who am i?), so i decided to make pancakes.

Oatmeal Kiss Pancakes, to be exact.

heck yes.

they're healthy and delicious.

and they have hershey kisses in them.

so what more could you want, really?

ingredients (makes about 7-10 mini-pancakes):

1/3 cup rolled oats
2/3 cup all-purpose flour (whole wheat would be good too!)
1/2 cup buttermilk
2-3 tbsp greek yogurt
1 egg
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp kosher salt
2-3 packets truvia
hershey kisses (about 5, cut into smaller pieces)

sift flour + salt into mixing bowl w/ oats.

whisk in buttermilk, egg + vanilla. add greek yogurt as needed to reach desired consistency.

add truvia (or sugar, of course) and chopped up kisses.

spray pan w/ no-stick vegetable spray. place in spoonfuls on griddle on low-medium heat. flip when bubbles appear. add desired condiments ( i used almond butter+maple syrup)

enjoy!

How are you all spending your time this week? Does the snow make anyone else feel lazy? Any other tv addicts? Favorite shows to be addicted to?

I have a few more insightful (read: non-baking) post waiting for ya'll. For now, i just wanted my blog to affect the ways i've been spending my days- that is, lazily. :)

a merry LITTLE christmas

2010-12-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

dressed warmly (in my fathers cashmere...) to face the cold

i LOVE everything about the city in the winter/holidays

might have picked up a few christmas presents for myself (with my momma) at C&B yesterday

most shall be appearing soon on the blog

baking the magic bars...

mmm. mushrooms

best. mac and cheese. ever.

it has truffle oil in it. and mushrooms. and three types of cheese. shoot me now. i'll die happy.

merry christmas!

sugar cookie christmas

2010-12-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

Rapid -fire post this morning before I’m off to run errands with the momma!

Got home from vacation last night- had an amaaaaaazing time

Found and quickly snatched up this little gem at TJ’s the other day-(only 4.99!)

Can’t decide whether I’m going to make these or Cindy/Ameena’s Magic Bars…which seem outrageously appealing, especially for a gluten-free product ;)

I reunited with ~~my baby~~ I mean my camera this morning and was played around a bit in the kitchen.

Gave Willy some peanut butter but it accidentally got on his head/nose…he couldn’t seem to figure out why his face smelled so amazing but he couldn't find any food?!

Tested out our ancient Christmas Carol VHS (wow- that term is going to be antiquated very, very soon) to make sure it was still working.

Now off to shop for all our lovely necessities for our (jewish, two-person) Christmas Eve dinner.

We're going all-out tonight and taking on quite a challenge for two novice cooks (well, i mean...if you can even call my mom a novice- more like one non-cook & one novice-ha sorry, mom, i love you!)

i'll most likely be back to show you either our beautiful foodie creation or a lovely kitchen disaster.

hope all who celebrate have a good christmas -eve- day!

rose

a pictures is worth...some jumbled words.

2010-12-22T09:02:00.000-08:00

after my (only week-long) blogging hiatus, i've decided to share with y'all a few of the things that are attracting my vacation-drugged brain at the moment, in the form of photographs.

enjoy. that is all.

1. (Deerlings.) look at that warm pink belly. doesn't that picture just make you melt, even for all those non-dog-droolers out there? i'm kinda (gasp!) missing my (psycho) puppy while on vacation. this picture of canine cuteness ain't helpin'. 2. (again) loving the Virgin Suicides. What i'm loving most about it, i have to admit, is the fact that it's actually getting read by moi. i'm pretty sure it's safe to say that the last time i actually finished a novel was in 2008. I used to love reading. somehow i lost my ability to get through a book along with my ability to think normally about food. perhaps they're re-appearing together? 3. (With Love From Angelica) shoes. pretty pink and dainty. what more could a girl want? [I mean...besides freedom, equality, an education, love, satisfacton...ya know all that feminist shiz ;) ]
4. (Pruginko) snow is always pretty. it's especially beautiful when you're not near any of it.
5. (and again) white clothes are also pretty. and unnecessary in the winter. but who cares? I really need to go shopping. More on that and my lovely body image issues at a later date.
6. (the little honey bear) i've been eating lots of white-flour, enriched, unhealthy, delicious toast in these past couple of days. And enjoying every un-grainy bite. You should try it sometime.
7. (What katie ate) <--- i'm obsessed with this blog. (among. many. many. others. ) food, clothes, landscape, designs, all hiding in lovely little nooks and crannies of the interent waiting to be exhaustedly perused by moi. who created a site like etsy just for me to oogle at all the things that i don't need? ah, some glorious fricken genius, thats who 8. (booooooom) old fashioned camera. almost as cool as old fashioned photographs themselves. sick. 9. (Joy the baker) who doesn't want to eat about sixteen hundred of those pepper jack scones? I don't even like savory breakfast pastries and i want them. and pretty much everything else that involves dough and a baking oven.

ta-ta for now! off to enjoy the sunshine :)
xo
rose

Five facts to break up a self-pity party

2010-12-14T20:57:00.000-08:00

i had a terrible day today.

ever have one of those days where just everything goes wrong?

this was one of those days.

First of all, it was 19 degrees out. Not a promising start.

I have no clothes. Dont ya hate that?

I wore jeans that i hate and make me feel awful, with a dumb sweatshirt that doesn't even fit.

(How can a sweatshirt not fit? I have no freaking idea how, but it just didn't, k?)

Then, i met with my college counselor for the first time and got my PSAT's back.

This is the third time i have taken them. And i got 17 points lower than i did last year, when i actually did really well.

Apparently i got stupider.

The PSAT's don't matter, i know.

It's just that i felt like an idiot. How do you do significantly worse on a test the third time you take it? (And aren't i supposed to do better now that i'm, ya know, eating???)

Next i nearly failed a chemistry test.

All the while, i was tugging at my clothes and cursing myself for picking the worst body image outfit EVER.

I went to my Latin class and was publicly humiliated (in a class made up completely of my ex-friends) because i had forgotten my book. The teacher said i was "shy" and "too quiet" in his comments that just got sent in the mail. Perhaps there's a reason i don't speak up more???

I took the long way home because i wanted to stall time until my mom answered her phone because i wanted her to come meet me for coffee, or at least at a store so i could try to pick out new jeans.

***I interrupt this self-pity party to show you a boring picture of delicious study sustenance from last night. I call this Lynn Chen style. (lynn, if you perchance read this- Don't hate me, i'm not a creep i promise, i just felt i was channeling you with this photo ;) ***

***back to rose wallowing***

After standing in the cold for ten minutes, she said she couldn't come (understandably, it was cold and she had just gotten inside to our warm, delicious apartment).

I then tried to go to said store by myself and asked the woman to check the balance of a gift card i got for my birthday last month, so i could know how much money i could spend.

She looked up at me and said there were zero dollars on it.

I asked her to check again, because i hadn't touched it since i took it out of the card.

She repeated that there was no money on it.

I was totally unsurprised and just shrugged and walked out because, really, it seemed natural that something like that would happen on the kind of day i was having. Right?

I then started crying and when my tears froze on my face decided that i should just hail a cab and go home.

Most of the things that happened today to make me feel so shitty are things that i can't really describe.

That's why i was a little reluctant to write about this, because i fear that the above list is pathetic and makes me sound like a whiny, wimpy complainer with no backbone.

The truth of it though is that most of the things that made me cry today were merely sideways glances, no glances at all, intonations in peoples' voices, or things that i said to myself in my head.

School is still really hard. It's painful to watch some of the people who used to be my best friends walk down the hallway and pretend i don't exist, just because i'm a junior now and they don't have time for me. It's also really painful to stand in the middle of a crowded room and feel awkward and like i have no one to talk to. Today was just one of those days. I'm not used to being this girl. It sucks.

Things will get better, they always do.

I just needed to acknowledge the crappy-ness of this day, and everything that came with it. And how much i am sick of high school and enraged by the fact that my peers are going off to college and that i'm stuck a year behind (in a place that i already felt too old for in the first place) just trying to make it through second by second.

Because i am in a better mood tonight, now that i have had time to relax (and go to dinner with my momma) i thought (before i go because i really need to study for my math test!) that i'd share

five random facts with you.

1. There is no plural for the word series.

I was trying to write "One of my favorite ways to procrastinate is watching tv series(ES) " but of course that didn't make sense and after looking it up i found out that there really is no way to say that sentence in a nice -sounding way. (Ironically this was the first part of the video that i shared two posts ago. And i just ran into this problem today!)

2. The official definition of a Club Promoter (according to Urban Dictionary) :

n.; one employed by a nightlife venue, e.g. a bar, lounge, or club, whose purpose is to increase the hype of the venues (for nascent venues) and maximize the clientele (for more established venues) - that is, attract a wealthy, good-looking, and extroverted crowd - by distributing complimentary passes and contact information at places where such clientele may be found, such as outside a competing venue during closing; the promoter usually gets paid in proportion to the revenue earned during the night he/she was promoting, generally not as lucrative as a bartender, but better than a bouncer; over 80% of promoters are male

I looked this up today because i have never known what a club promoter "really" is. I know people who have 'friends' who are club promoters (in fact, i know a girl who is dating one...no comment) but usually they're just random sketchy (rich) 20-somethings who flirt with anything that moves and are likely to give you the creeps just by breathing near you, and then probably ask you if you wanna do a line.

3. I have a blonde streak in my hair that i have had since birth. No one ever believes me at first when I tell them because it looks unnatural next to my dark brown that is completely sans highlights, but it's true! (in second grade, we had to make up Native American names for ourselves (go figure) and mine was Golden Streak- i thought i was oh so clever!)

4. i have a dog. His name is willy. He is crazy. i.e., crazier than any one of you or me. Most likely his doggy diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia with some major hyperactivity issues. You've never seen anything like it, even if you think you know the craziest dog in the world, you don't. I do. He's in a rare moment of sleep under my bed right now. Trust me. He's the craziest. No, really.

5. Oscar Wilde's last words (spoken from his deathbed) were
"Either this wallpaper goes, or I do".

Ever since reading Looking for Alaska by John Green, i've had a love for famous last words. This was always the best, i think!

Hope you all had a much, much better day than i did! Thanks for letting me whine, and sorry if the self-pity was annoying, but i think we all deserve it sometimes :)

rose
p.s. the best part of my day??? I had such a NYC moment- i a taxi going home, the cabbie turned around and asked me if i was okay.
so. cute.

molasses cookies and subtle changes

2010-12-13T11:27:00.000-08:00

i baked molasses chocolate chip cookies last night!

a strong urge to bake kind of hit me at 9 pm, because i hadn't done any baking over the weekend. Since i didn't have too much work to do, i decided to roll with it. I got the recipe from the lovely Joy the Baker.

2 sticks unsalted butter
2 cups plus 2 Tablespoons bread flour ( i used all-purpose)
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
1/4 cup plus 1 teaspoon dark molasses, not blackstrap
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 Tablespoons almond butter

LOTSA chocolate chips!

i messed it up at first by accidentally half-ing all the ingredients except the molasses. After i fixed that i decided to add a little bit of almond butter just for kicks.

i decided to be a little fancy and press them down with a fork. cute :)

i may or may not have had some left-over cookie dough in my cereal this morning :P

the finished product:

yum!

you couldn't really taste the almond butter, but the molasses-brown sugar concoction is great. I baked them for barely 8 minutes so they're a little prone to falling apart, but very very delicious and gooey.

I got home from school super early today because i only had three classes and they were all in the morning.

I love LOVE LOVE this extra free time.

On my way home, I stopped at a Duane Reade near my house to look for the Candy Cane Tootsie Pops that seem to be popping up on the blogosphere and look totally up my alley. Although they didn't have them and i mostly ended up just wandering around the store and buying some other random groceries, it got me thinking.

Lunch today (plus a couple cookies!)
Props to anyone who tells me whose wonderful blog they spy in the background...

Last year and the year before, if i had had this day in my schedule where i got out of school at 12, i would most definitely have just rushed home to binge &purge. Most days back then, i would go home from school as soon as i could to either hide under my covers for hours or to rush off to buy binge food and then b/p for hours.

I probably would have gone to that same Duane Reade and bought 50 plus dollars of food and rushed home in a frenzy to get it in and out, asap.

i've finally had time to read! I'm loving this. Anyone read any good books lately?

It's so nice to notice small differences like that. I loved my free time today. I was relaxed and blog-reading and ate some yummy food and might go take a nap later and it's just awesome to be able to notice little things like this that would have been so different a year or two ago.

willy wanted to say hi

That being said, i think old habits die hard, because I did feel some weird kind of pull to go to DR in the first place, and somehow it just seemed natural to buy some food, even though this time, of course, i was just buying food that i actually plan on digesting.

Yesterday my mom and i went to see Black Swan. I loved it. Last weekend a few of my friends and I actually watched Requiem for a Dream, one of Aronofsky's other films, for the first time. I was thinking while i was watching the movie how i would have been freaking out before about how skinny Natalie Portman (and all the other actresses) in the movie looked.
I would have been crying and screaming in my head about how badly i wanted to be them.
I wouldn't have noticed or cared about the fact that Portman is miserable and sick and delusional in the movie, only about the fact that she weighed less than me, and that i wanted to look like that.

I still have major body image issues.
Some of which still do include wishing that i was super-thin, or idolizing girls who are thinner than I am.
But the difference yesterday was that i was able to actually enjoy the movie as a work of art, and not spend all of my time thinking about what i was going to do to look like a sickly Natalie Portman.
So, yeah. I enjoyed the movie a lot. Some of it is kind of graphic and hard to watch, as is Aronofsky's style, but i highly recommend it, it was riveting and beautiful and tragic.*
Anyone see Black Swan, or any of Aronofsky's other movies? Thoughts?
Anyway, that's what's going on with me today. Hope you all had a good start to your week! Happy monday!
xo
rose

my version of an Apollonian Gasket, for those of you who watched the video i posted last week. :)

* Maybe skip it if you're deep into an eating disorder, or get triggered easily. Just FYI.

A Much Needed Break

2010-12-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

I havent' posted in a week because my life has been crazy lately! Next week is the last week before winter break and i think everyone is just about to burst at this point. I've haven't even opened my computer once in the past four days because i've been so busy with school-work and everything that i've barely had time to sleep or breathe, let alone write a blog post!

Tonight though, i decided that i really need a mental break and so (sorry, Mr. P!) i'm putting off studying for my latin test for a half-hour to pop in and say hi.
P.S. It's the last night of Hannukah!
In honor of which, i thought i'd share some festivity-related photos

What's a girl to do in order to celebrate the holiday season?
Bake a Chocolate Chip Cookie Pie, of course!
(recipe courtesy of How Sweet It Is)

my cookie dough and i wanted tosay hi...

don't you just wanna eat it raw? i know---me too.

Who the hell came up with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pie?
If anyone knows this individual, would you let them know that i'm single and definitely up for marriage?

the final remnants (blueberry pie was necessary, too, obviously)

now that i've probably just lost all my readers by sending them off to the kitchen in search of some chocolate, wanna know what the other best part of hannukah is, aside from baking?

Huh?

Any guesses?

Yes, you're right Noah, presents! (Although i'll pass on the buzz lightyear gun, but thanks for the offer!)

mmm. jewelry AND love? What else could a girl want?

A picture i fell in love with from Charmaine Olivia

Alright guys, it's late and i'm tired and have Cicero (quite rudely) calling my name, so i unfortunately don't have the time to prove (via meaningful ramblings) to you that I, am not, in fact, a highly superficial person just because i said that the best part about Hannukah is the presents. :) In any case, its not about the presents, however pretty they may be, yadda yadda yadda *insert sentimental story about the importance of family here*
I hope you all had a lovely week and I can't wait until this week is over so i can go back to breathing and sleeping and blogging properly like a normal human-being!

In the meantime, for all you nerds out there, i saw this video and thought it was awesome so if you have a few minutes to spare or are at all interested in little known, possibly useless but cool facts about math (and other things) watch away, if not, good night!
xo
Rose

How to come back from a slip

2010-12-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

today while i was sauntering along in the middle of a hurricaine and trying to protect my (already drenched) self by holding a vest (that smelled like a wet dog) over my head, i had the brilliant revelation that "ZOMG i fat shud lose weight lyk rite now!!!" funny how that tends to happen at our more vulnerable moments, isn't it?

Instead of launching into a fruitless mental calculation that might best tell me how to lose at least 20 pounds by my next appointment with my dietitian (um, Friday---as in the day after tomorrow, ya know, cause that's like totally reasonable) i thought about the last time i was stuck in a restriction rut and tried to remember how i talked myself out of it. And then i realized that i had promised myself that i would write about this because it is something that, trapped in the grip of my eating disorder, i tend to forget in the moment.

So here is how i got out of my last little ed-suck-fest, in the form of advice to all of you.

Make ED behaviors not an option.

-This might sound totally obvious, but it actually is the most valuable piece of advice i think i can give.

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/mifffay/4734479439/in/faves-35874628@N05/)

- In an ED mindset, we tend to think in black&white terms, so this kind of thinking is catering to that

all or nothing thinking, and actually is really helpful.

- Want to weigh yourself? Say to yourself "that's not an option right now". Tempted to skip some food

that you know you should have? "not an option".

It might seem simple, but it's really the only thing that can quickly and effectively pull me out.

Just don't even go there

I like to think of this as brain control.

Like it or not, we have the power to control what goes on in our brains. We can change our thoughts, or stop them. Something that is necessary for me to do if i'm trying to get out of my ED is to just not go there. What do i mean?

Do you ever think about or plan how much weight you could possibly lose if you were in your ED? Or what might happen if you did lose weight at this moment? What about planning calories? Or imagining what your weight is? Or thinking of different ways to get out of meals, or to eat less, or leave the table to purge?

All of this goes on. And it sucks. But if you want to get better, allowing these thoughts to freely roam through your brain and metastasize is like bringing a kid who gave up toys for lent to a toy store and expecting him to sit there, unmoved.

It ain't gonna happen. So don't go there.

Make yourself accountable.

Call a friend. Say you want to go out to lunch. Eat dinner with a roommate, friend, family, or even via skype. ( i swear my friend used to do this for me. it was usually pretty helpful and kinda fun, too). Tell them flat out what's going on, even if your eating disorder is screaming at you not to.

Make sure they know that you can't be making up excuses, or feeling "sick" or just not being hungry. Get it out there when you can, and once the secret is out that you need extra support, hopefully you won't have to ask again, you ed is already screwed.

And lastly...

(brought to you by Nike)

I think most people are reluctant to hear this. It kinda sucks. Wait, you mean the way to recover is to just do it? That's not cool.

I'd much rather sit and mull over reasons and lyrics and different ideas why i should or should not restrict. It's a whole lot easier to just think about the ups and downs of life or consider the sins and weaknesses of chocolate cake in comparison to lettuce (none) than to actually go eat a piece.

It's kind of the harsh reality. Eating disorder recovery is about doing the thing that scares you the most. Sometimes it helps to shut your eyes and sing "lalalalala" and just take a bite. It sounds ridiculous and unappealing, but thats the way it goes.

on that note...

haha sorry, i couldn't help myself.

Rose

My Foodie Holiday

2010-11-30T19:54:00.001-08:00

had a majorly cozy weekend in my country house with the 'rents

which, naturally, involved some baking, or half-baking, i guess

oh, yes i did.

made some of Mama Pea's Cookie Dough Balls :)

pre-bake:

those were the only two balls (lol. sorry can't stop myself) "officially" eaten by moi. i probably ate about 6 or 7 in actuality.

The Best Balls you'll Ever Have :P

I basically just used Mama Pea's recipe and switched margarine to butter, pb to almond butter (it's all i had but it turned out sooooo well) and peanut butter chips to butterscotch chips (which were AMAZING)

hey, it's mah face! vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

this one does NOT need to be Extra Large

I thought i'd take a pic of myself enjoying one just so you guys know that i actually exist (and that i'm not actually a forty-year-old man pretending to be a teenage girl...ew) ha i like never put pictures of myself on here :)

i saved a little bit of room for dinner, of course. my dad made this delicious butternut squash soup. so yummy (and photogenic)

my parent's friends came over and brought Gingerbread!

I usually dislike gingerbread but this was so good. It just tasted like a brown-sugary cake, not too tangy.

my adorable dessert plate.

before...

and after.

isn't food so much more fun when it's cute?

I also picked up this edition of Newsweek. Has anyone else read it?

it's really fascinating. Miller talks about how what we eat reflects our social class. She says that "17 percent of Americans—more than 50 million people"are "food insecure"- aka don't necessarily have enough money to adequately feed themselves and their families on a day-to-day basis.

(http://www.newsweek.com/2010/11/22/what-food-says-about-class-in-america.html)

While it certainly may not help someone who is still entrenched or actively sick in their eating disorder to ask them to think about statistics like this, I think that in recovery opening your eyes to the reality and harshness of situations around you can really make worrying about food and weight seem pretty trivial and ridiculous.

(http://www.newsweek.com/2010/11/22/what-food-says-about-class-in-america.html)

That is, of course, not to say that having an eating disorder or that struggling is "ridiculous", but rather that sometimes it can be really motivational or eye-opening to step outside of ourselves and look at other things in the world which can easily make the-ever-worried- about -calories seem like not so big of a deal.

chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

On that note, i watched The Cove on Sunday and was throughly moved/disturbed by it. It's about the murder of dolphins in Japan. Has anyone else seen it? As soon as i finished watching it i went to the website that they give a link to, because i really felt touched by it and wanted to do something. Again, it's that internal passion that i feel so intensely as of late. But really though, when there are so many other things to feel excited/passionate about, who has time for an eating disorder???

So guys, i apologize because i was going to write a more important and involved post but i got busy and then i missing y'all and really wanted to post/say hi tonight so i'm just gonna go ahead and post this, insignificance and all.

Hope you all have had a good start to the week thus far!

P.S. Can you think of any ways in which you (personally, on a day-to-day basis, or maybe even in a larger sense) see how the food that "we" eat is reflective of social class? What else does it reflect, do you think? Is this a touchy topic for some?

rose

Beauty in America (and everywhere else) & Giving Thanks

2010-11-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

I went to the bookstore last weekend with my mom.

Sometimes i find bookstores really overwhelming.

It's like there are all these things that i need to read. So many things to learn, or look at or try to understand i usually end up freaking out because there are at least 10 books that i absolutely must get now- aka they are going to change my life or they are just fascinating or they are about something i have never even considered before, etc etc etc. And then i end up feeling helpless because there are so many things that i want to read and know and experience that i can't possibly do it all and i am just so in love with everything that i am at a loss for any kind of containment.

i might have asked my mom to get this for me for Hannukah :)

Guess where we ended up going right after the bookstore?!

hot tea for a chilly day

Sarabeths.
mmm. Favorite bakery ever.
Hence why i'm so excited that i am going to have the cookbook soon and perhaps i will make some delicious concoctions from it.

chocolate dipped butter cookie. mmm.

my favorite cookie ever, aka the "cloud cookie".

My rant at the beginning of this post did have a point to it.

I'm not just going to leave you with some senseless ramblings about bookstores, don't worry, i'm not that scatterbrained. (i hope)

That bookstore experience is 100% true to my real life. I always feel so overwhelmed because there are so many things that i want to do or learn or see. Reminds me of a previous post i wrote about the possibilities of saturdays, in particular.

couldn't decide, had to try both the soups. Ended up eating both for dinner.

It also reminds me of a quotation from one of my all-time favorite movies, American Beauty.

"...there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst."

needed to hop on the bandwagon and join the pumpkin fad

pumpkin and chocolate. who knew?

Amanda wrote a post recently where she mentioned this kind of phenomenon.

This feeling of having so much to take in.

And it's definitely flying around recently, especially with all the Thanksgiving posts that are infiltrating my reader, everyone seems to have so many things to say and appreciate, how can we possibly keep track of it all?

delectable. ate one of these for breakfast every day this week.

I love so many things.

Sometimes there is just so much in life that i want to be a part of, and i just have no idea where to start. Maybe that's just a blessing of being young. I also feel like it might have something to do with the time that I feel i've lost to the eating disorder, all the days that i let go by when i was just stuck in a different universe of weight and food and calories while the world was outside spinning and definitely not waiting for me to wake up.

I guess i kind of feel like I just woke up and am just re-entering the world and life and it's only now that i'm finally seeing all these things that just make me so excited and thrilled and scared that i won't have enough time to love and appreciate all of them.

adorable necklace charms that say things on them like "no regrets" "inner peace" "a good nights sleep"

Sometimes i feel that way about blogs, too. Sometimes with Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr and blogs i just feel like there's too much going on that i can't possibly appreciate and understand and filter all of it in order to really get a grasp on what's happening with the world. I am following close to 100 blogs right now and i find more every day that i love and that intrigue me and sometimes i get so overwhelmed trying to keep up with everything and everyone. Whether it's new science information about eating disorders & mental illness or new insightful posts or just new foodie or art pictures, etc, sometimes i just feel my brain go into over-load and i feel paralyzed and i can't take it all in.

i'm thankful for the 2nd grade girl who is little, naive and loved enough to write this.
i hope she never has to feel otherwise.

that, my friends, is my long-winded explanation for why i haven't posted/updated in a while & a description of my current state in the blogosphere, as an overwhelmed reader and lover of anything and anyone.

it's also my way of recognizing thanksgiving and all it means to me.

i used that American Beauty quote in my "eaters' agreement", which was something that they made us write at my treatment center for our "graduation" ceremony, and it was basically our promise +description for ourselves and everyone else of how we would take care of ourselves.

Here is the rest of the quotation...

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst.And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday."

I hope you all had a lovely thanksgiving.

Thank you so much to everyone who read or commented on my poem from before. I'm glad to be back. :)

rose

use your words & eat your food

2010-11-21T14:15:00.000-08:00

DON'T eat your words and use your food. k?

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Your words helped me more than you know.
I've hopped back on the recovery bandwagon and am feeling much better because of it.
I'll post more later, after i go out to dinner & hopefully write my religion essay but i wanted to share this poem that i wrote with all of you.
I had to write a poem based on Allen Ginsberg's Howl for Carl Solomon for my english class.
If you haven't read it, Howl is a great poem. Ginsberg writes about the suffering he experienced and it speaks to the "outcasts" of American society (those who are more focused on love and meaning in life, rather than material "success") and he does it beautifully. We had to write a poem "to someone who understands" (you). I wrote to to a dear friend of mine who i met in treatment. I changed the name for the sake of her privacy, but i thought you all might appreciate it.

Whisper

For Sarah Halper

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by hunger,

Fakeness, lonesome, searching for something beautiful.

Abandoned and unloved, they paint their mouths shut with silence.

Whispery silhouettes run down the sidewalks of insanity,

And stop to glare at grotesque fun-house mirror projections

Of fat and tired limbs,

Glistening with the sweat of hate.

Shells of women who sit on concrete

Smoking endless cigarettes, burning up their lungs

As payback for continuing to swallow air

Organs stubbornly gripping to life

Even when a fragile heart patters like early rain

It beats at the wrong

Moments.

They damn their stupid hearts

For beating at all.

They drink whole pots of coffee

Black liquor, free of sins.

Poured into sad paper cups

During early hours of black mornings

When the rest of the population

Finds solace in quiet minds, minds that

Have not forgotten how to rest, to dream.

Sleepless with self-loathing and malnutrition

They grip fire-hot mugs

Blue-boned fingers, numb and cold

Sipping freedom liquid.

Girls who spend all the seconds

Of melancholy

Photographing mental x-rays

Of beauty beyond their grasp.

Who look at dirt and see holiness,

God and redemption incarnate, sad skeletons.

Twenty thirty and forty-somethings

Trapped in the pain of adolescence

Who never found their way out

Of uncertainty and un-belonging.

Stuck in a sea of mental agony

Riding waves of want

Trampled by harsh, un-caring waters

Hitting the ocean floor over and over again

Choking on salt, gasping for breath

They flail their arms in vain

And No-one sees them drowning.

They hunger for love and affection

Skip lunch, dine on crackers and wine.

Or gorge themselves on cakes of saints,

Stuff themselves to the gills with counterfeit care.

The rumble of their bellies, the pangs in bed at night

Fails to make loneliness seem less Encompassing.

Sarah, I’m with you at midnight

When the crack of light dawns on your kitchen floor

And all before you, you see breads and soups and chocolate

The beginnings and end of your love.

I’m with you in Colorado,

When you play houseguest as your Norwegian father

A connoisseur of disaster

Offers you the finest cheeses,

Not knowing that all you wanted was a second glance.

I’m with you when you read my words

And your mind insists they don’t apply to you

That nobody knows you, that you are not one of us.

I’m with you in Los Angeles

Where hippies disguise themselves as buddahs

And bow down to vegan, soul-less gods,

Chanting the words that will save you.

I’m with you in Santa Monica

Where you hide from yourself

And look to better women of the past

Who might teach you how not to need, not to be so much.

I’m with you inside heavy- closed doors,

When you cry salty tears,

Asking anyone to make you less.

I’m with you in Agoura Hills

Where hypocrisy and beauty made us sick to our stomachs

And we were terrified, tranquilized, frozen in time.

What is beauty? You will ask.

Beauty is the warmth of your cheek

As you embrace my shaking body.

Beauty is the flash of your teeth when you laugh.

It’s the crackle of the fire near my chilled feet.

Beauty eludes us, dear Sarah,

In our search for something unconditional.

It’s a receding horizon, a firefly we’ll never catch.

A glow we can only see in front of us

Never to be held, contained within a see-through jar.

If beauty is love

And love is food

Well then, we are screwed, you say.

I bite my tongue before I suggest

That perhaps, you should come for supper.

help a girl out

2010-11-19T16:32:00.000-08:00

today has been freaking hellish.
i'll explain with bullet points because full sentences are for the fair of heart.
things that suck right now in my life

food. today has been a nightmare of a food day. i have myself to thank for this. i basically starved myself all week. don't ask me why. i don't want to talk about it. it was more than a week. i reverted to restricting for a good week and a half and tried to ignore it and then today i tried to start eating normally and all hell basically broke loose. i'm not gonna go into more detail than that because i don't want to think about it right now but. i . need. help. Where do i start tomorrow? i want to just go back to my normal-recovery-life but i'm scared and i feel gross after my chaotic eating today and i need some help, i think.
HOWL. not like coyotes, that would be cool. the poem, by Allen Ginsberg. I had this english assignment due today based off it and i didn't do it. I left it for the last minute and now i still haven't done it because i've been feeling like s*** all day and yeah. so now i need to do that. and email it. and hope i don't get marked late, i guess.
sick. yep. literally woke up sick today, AGAIN. second weekend in a row! Really, now? bummer. I've had a headache all day and and used an entire box of tissues and now i just feel icky after being in bed all day.

whine whine whine.

sorry. i guess we're all entitled to our whiny-ness once in a while.

but really, how do you get back on track after over a week of eating disordered hell-ish-ness without getting into some kind of awful bingeing and purging or bingeing and restricting cycle or just awful HEADSPACE? any experience/advice would be greatly appreciated.

this is me being vulnerable. i hate asking for help. i have a feeling you guys won't mind though. <3

(source :http://saintsandsluts.tumblr.com/post/1361540205)

You will never be pretty

2010-11-16T18:10:00.000-08:00

i'm really really trying to work on my procrastination issues.

it's a long story and its a habit i've had for pretty much ever but i talked a lot about it in therapy yesterday and i really want tonight to be "good", so i'm not going to spend a lot of time online (hopefully).

However, i saw this over at cynosure, and just HAD TO SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL.

Seriously.

If you do nothing else tonight, please, watch this video.

But we're all mad here, right?

2010-11-15T14:45:00.000-08:00

do you ever feel like your brain is about to explode with thoughts?

A drawing by my good friend Lauren.Isn't it awesome?
It shows freaking exactly what i'm sure we all feel like sometimes.

sometimes, and i know that i've mentioned it before, as other bloggers also do sometimes, i feel like there are days when i have so many things in my head that i want to share/get out, that sometimes it becomes too much and i just can't express any of it. Black and White thinking, much? Yep, i know.

Today when i got out of therapy, all of a sudden i felt really sad. And intimidated...ya know...by the girl in the waiting room going in after me. I hate eating disorder treatment sometimes. I think that kind of "competitiveness" (aka when you and another person kind of size each other up in a not-so-discreet-lets-see-who-can-give-the-most-deathly-stare-i'm-so-cool- way) is part of high school just generally, but i think when you know that someone also has an eating disorder, that kind of weirdness is sort of intensified. I hate that. It just sort of pushes my metaphorical knife (sorry lol i'm in such a weird writing mood) of self-dislike further and further in, and i hate that awful kind of insecurity.

I bet other people feel this just with other bloggers even. Perhaps at foodbuzz, which i've been reading a lot about? Yes? No?

Anyway, so i came out of therapy feeling weird/sad/shaken up for some reason. Or for a few reasons.

And then i put my ipod on and got on the train and was just thinkingthinkingthinking and before i knew it i wished i had a journal with me because i had all these thoughts that i didn't want to lose and that i wanted to share with you. And i hate it when i feel like my brain is exploding.

Am i making any sense here? Maybe i'm more sleep deprived/caffiene jazzed than i really thought.

Enough self-doubt, i'm gonna keep writing.

What i wanted to say was this. When i was on the train and feeling confused/sad/whatever, i kind of started saying cheesy things to myself in my head. Things like "I like myself" or "I can do anything i set my mind to" ...(in normal person speak i think these would be called affirmations ;) )

I automatically felt better. Saying these random affirmations to myself, even though i didn't believe them kind of helped. And then i realized something.

I think that's one of the things that's so great about blogging. When i read the comments that i get on my posts, i instantly feel so loved/supported and i'm just so grateful and i just feel better about myself.

That's because, often times, you guys say to me things that I can't yet say to myself.

It reminds me of when I was in treatment and i felt really supported, because my friends and I would all kind of root for each other, until we eventually, little by little, learned to root for ourselves. I guess that's what's so great about this. Is that hopefully, someday, after hearing it enough times from our friends/whoever is nice enough to give a damn, we will be able to say encouraging things to ourselves, and then, possibly, live out our lives in ways commensurate with those positive thoughts, etc.

Make sense? i hope so.

alright, well, if you made it through this weird/rambly/non-sensical post, i congratulate you tremendously and will personally send you a cyber hug ;) oh, sometimes i wonder how i even have friends. if you met me and i was being this weird wouldn't you jsut want to beat me up and throw me in a trash can or something? Don't answer that. :P

shutting up now!

thank you all for just being amazing readers/commenters/inspirational people who keep me going :)

-rose